Sunday, June 14, 2015

I Saw You

I saw you as we were walking back from the courtyard play area to our small hospital room. You were sitting on the floor with your phone up to your ear. Your cheeks were wet with tears and your eyes red and swollen. Your glasses were sitting on the floor beside you. Your hair was messy. You were exhausted and probably hungry. When I looked at you, I saw myself: A mom whose baby is fighting for its life, as mine fights for his every day.

I know those feelings well. Heartbreak. Fear. Helplessness. Loneliness. Tiredness. Extreme exhaustion. Hungry. Thirsty. Wanting sleep but not being able too. Constantly on the verge of falling apart. The tears always being right there, reserved until the quiet or hearing news that isn't what we hoped for. Feeling like you never do enough.

You didn't see me earlier, but at 7:25 the previous morning, my baby was being wheeled into surgery to have his port placed and his hernia repaired. You didn't see me fall apart as soon as those doors were closed. You didn't see me cover my face with my hands and turn towards the wall in an attempt to hide my tears, because I just couldn't take it anymore. Where the surreal meets real. Where the preserved feelings turn to raw stomach wrenching emotions and freshly poured tears.

You didn't see me earlier talking to a nurse, through my tears, about hating my sons disease, sputtering that life isn't fair. Wishing to myself that I could keep it all together. Wishing I wasn't so helpless and that I didn't even have to be here. Wishing this life was only something I saw scrolling through Facebook, because then it would be okay, it wasn't my life. Then kicking myself for being so selfish.

You didn't see me cry as the nurse handed my baby to me in recovery and began rocking him as the nurse told me about the heart complications he experienced while waking up from anesthesia. You didn't see me pet his head and thank God they had medicine to help bring his heart rate down from 269 beats per minute. You didn't see me cry while laying on the bed with my baby as they transferred him to his hospital room, thankful that he wouldn't let me go.

I don't know what is going on with your baby, but I know your love for them. I saw it while you were there, crying on the white tile floor explaining the news or how you were doing to the person on the other end. Since I saw you, I've thought of you often, along with all the other Mom's who right now are sitting on the hospital floor, leaning against the wall, or holding their sweet baby at this moment while tears stream down their faces because things are out of their control.

I wish I could have waited for you to get off the phone. To tell you that you are a good mom. That you are doing enough. That what your baby is going through isn't your fault. That it is awful and horrible and unfair. To ask if you needed anything. To remind you to eat something. And especially to remind you that every hug, every hand hold, kiss, snuggle, and "I love you" you give your child is helping. That you aren't forgotten. And most importantly that you are not alone.

Just like I saw you, God sees you. He is there to hold your hand whenever you need it. He loves you and your sweet baby. Just like he loves me and mine.

Love,
Wesley's Mom

Friday, June 12, 2015

The Blur

This week has been a total blur. Starting last Friday the 5th, when Wesley got his hearing aids. When he first got them, it took four lollipop suckers to bribe him to keep them in his ears. Four. And he decided to put all of them in his mouth at once. On the way home in the car, Wesley started talking, babbling, making noises, clapping his hands, and he found a duck that squeezed. He loved hearing himself. After we arrived home, I noticed they were constantly falling off his ears because the tubes looked too short and decided we needed to go back. Thankfully, Wesley's audiologist is AMAZING and squeezed us in on Monday morning before therapy! Now, since the newness has worn off, he pulls them out as soon as we start driving. Hopefully, THAT will wear off soon!

We left for the Children's Hospital early Wednesday afternoon. The trip down went well and after a horrible hotel experience, we finally were settled in a NEW, CLEAN, DIFFERENT hotel and ready for bed. We woke up at 3am Thursday morning and left for the hospital at 4:45. We arrived at 5am and were promptly checked in. 

After we were triaged, Wesley's stress levels were increasing and he started crying, causing him to need a breathing (nebulizer) treatment before taking him back to the operating room at 7:20. They placed the port in his chest for the enzyme therapy and fixed his umbilical hernia. The surgery was completed within the one hour time-frame the surgeon gave. The surgeon called and said surgery was complete and Wesley would be heading to recovery very soon. While we were waiting, the main anesthesiologist nurse, who was educated in MPS children, came out and advised me to not have any of Wesley's surgical procedures done anywhere but a Children's Hospital. The reason being that Wesley's airway has already started to thicken due to the MPS and it was very difficult to intubate him. She said it took a lot of pressure to place the tube and if someone wasn't trained well regarding children with issues like Wesley's, they could easily kill him. 

After she was done advising us, a cardiologist arrived who moved us to talk privately in a consult room. There he explained that when Wesley was trying to wake up from anesthesia his heart had an episode of Supraventricular Tachycardia, also called SVT for short. His heart rate shot up to 269 in a matter of seconds and required a medication called Adenocine to be administered immediately. It took 10 minutes for the medicine to get his heart back to a normal rate. 

They aren't sure what caused this episode but are suspecting a combination of anesthesia, his thickened heart valves, and stress on his little body from surgery creating a 'perfect storm'. The cardiologist said he wanted to delay Wesley's transfusion of Elaprase until the next day so they could monitor his heart to see if it happened again. He also mentioned that from now on when Wesley as surgeries, I have to mention the episode of SVT so they can have medicine ready to treat him if needed.

I was finally called back to recovery after an hour and a half. I found Wesley being held by a nurse named John, who was rocking him in a rocking chair. It's the first time I've seen him in recovery NOT crying. Wesley was sleeping peacefully in John's lap with his arms wrapped around John. I wish I could have gotten a picture, it was a very sweet moment. From that moment I knew John was a nurse at heart, because he genuinely cared for the children not just for the science behind nursing. He sweetly handed Wesley to me as I took his place in the rocking chair as he started explaining what had just happened there in recovery. I couldn't help but have tears rolling down my cheeks. My sweet little boy. How brave he is. 

We were admitted to a room in the IMU which is Intermediate Care Unit; it is a step below the ICU. It's still one-on-one nursing, but the patients are more stable yet still require constant monitoring. Normally we would have just had a private room after this kind of surgery and for Wesley's first infusion, but the SVT episode elevated his status. The rest of the day was long and a even longer night as Wesley didn't really understand why he couldn't get up and out of bed with all those wires attached to his little body. He tried to do normal things and was frustrated when he couldn't or wasn't allowed to do them. 

Wesley's heart rate monitor alarmed every few minutes as his heart would not stabilize. It didn't go past 200 again, but it would make drastic leaps from the high 50's to 170's easily. He just wanted to be held and yet he fought sleep like crazy. Wesley finally drifted into a good sleep around 1:30am after I requested the nurse give him some melatonin. I was glad we were able to get it administered. We've started using melatonin at home with Wesley as it is recommended for the restlessness kids with MPS have at night and it really does help! 

Wesley awoke at 5am so I climbed into bed with him and he quickly fell back asleep. At 6am he was awakened for Benadryl and Tylenol as a pre-med to his Elaprase infusion. He took them and drifted back to a deep sleep. Wesley slept the whole way through the infusion. He did exceptionally well, his vitals didn't change at all and he showed no signs of reaction. It took 4 hours to complete. 

After that, we waited on more doctors to visit on their rounds and check on Wesley. Got another visit from the cardiologist and he wants us to pick up a holster heart monitor from them in a few weeks. Wesley will wear it for a couple of days. Those drastic leaps and lows his heart was making through that night might be because of that 'perfect storm', so he wants to know what Wesley's more normal heart rate is in the regular circumstances of our everyday life.


His first infusion down. 



Dr. Wesley is my favorite!!!! 

With infusion #1 completed, the cardiologist said we were free to go!!! I am so exhausted!! Goodnight everyone! I am so so glad to be home and able to sleep in my own bed tonight! 

Thanks for your prayers and support.

Have a warriors heart my friends. 

Always with LOVE, 
Wesley's Mom 


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Mail.


I had a horrible day. It hit me super hard today. Starting when Wesley began grabbing his knee and elbow joints and saying 'ow'. It broke my heart. At therapy today he was very clingy (more than usual) and ignored all three of his therapists the majority of the time, which is extremely out of character for him. Sigh. Then we got home and I got mail.


Our mail lady asked if I was expecting a package, I told her no. She said "maybe it's a surprise?". 
I said maybe. She looked at it again and said "I think it's for Wesley.".
She was right, in a way. It's from the pharmaceutical company in England. The only one that manufactures the Enzyme Replacement Therapy drug that helps Hunter boys.

I do pretty well, taking my thoughts captive and not letting them run too far in the future and get ahead of what's actually going on. But that wasn't today. Today I was scared. I'm scared of losing Wesley. What if I can't live without him? As a million other questions fill my mind. Today I hated the disease that plagues my sweet son. I hate it every day, but today has been the worst so far. 

I was washing dishes and thinking: Why my sweet boy? Why me? Why was I chosen? Why was he chosen? Then I looked out the window and saw this:


I know my answer.
NO ONE could ever love this boy as much me. I may not have a lot of answers, but I do know one...
I am so blessed to be his Momma and I am so so thankful I was chosen by God. That will never change.
No matter what happens.

Thank you for praying Warriors.

P.s. We still need help with the costs of driving back and forth to the Children's Hospital and Wesley desperately needs a fenced in yard as he has no sense of danger. Please follow us on Facebook and donate if you can :) 



Tuesday, June 2, 2015

All About Heart

Hello Warriors,
I know a lot of you have never met Wesley and if you have it was for a fleeting moment. It is very rare for anyone to get to know Wesley past basic introductions, with his special needs I keep a very tight close circle of friends for myself and for Wesley besides other parents with children who have MPS. For those reasons a lot of you don't know about Wesley's heart. His physical heart is in good shape despite his disease, but when I mention heart this time that is not what I am talking about.

Wesley has a big heart, sometimes I think he has the biggest heart. His heart for me as his Mom, is so sweet. His heart for his Dad blows me away. His love for his baby sister and how he helps take care of her amazes me. He has never once been jealous of her. He welcomed her with open arms and never looked back. When he goes places with his Dad and they are gone for more than an hour he starts asking "where's my baby?" He started that when we were in the grocery store one day when Ava was 3 weeks old and in the infant car seat covered with a blanket in a separate cart from him and he has done it ever since. The first thing he thinks about when he wakes up most days, is "where's my baby?' and I show him and he kisses her feet and her head.

That isn't the amazing part. It is his love for all things living that shows me his heart is the biggest. This kid shares without being asked and has done so his whole life. He shares toys, food, clothes, and sometimes drinks, to my dismay (germs, yikes), with children he has just met. His heart is tender despite having mean things said to him and about him at birthday parties and parks we attend when social encounters do not go the way the other child had planned. His heart is tender despite being left out a lot because he will not include himself due to the language barrier and fear of being teased. My sweet little boy loves to help. He helps stack chairs on Sunday's at church. He helps me do the dishes. He clears the table without being asked, I seriously never asked him to clear the table, he just randomly started one day and has done it every day since. He sets plates out for dinner, not just for him but for everyone eating. If baby sister drools he wipes drool off of her chin. If another kid is crying he will hug them and pat their back like we do him when he is upset. He cries when baby sister cries, and when I cry too for that matter. He cares about the little things. The things most people are not lucky enough to notice let alone care about. His heart is so pure and for that I am thankful.

Memories



Here lately, Wesley has started getting anxiety every time we get in the car.  Until this past weekend, every time we did get in the car, we drove to a doctor appointment, the Children's Hospital, or to therapy. It started when we got referred to the hospital for further testing, even before we had his MPS diagnosis. Wesley kicks, screams, lays down, pushes away, and runs away from the car when I tell him it is time to go. It hurts my heart to know that he is afraid of going places for the fear he will be poked and prodded. 

This past weekend we traveled down to Gulfport, Mississippi for a quick beach trip. It was my surprise anniversary trip from my sweet husband. As with most of our anniversaries, it always involves our cutie babies. We decided that this trip was half for him and half for us, as Wesley loves the beach. 

The trip was a success as Wesley loved the beach; it was the second time he has been. We spent his first birthday at the beach while we visited my grandma a couple years ago. Last time, he toddled around and sat in the sun with us and enjoyed baby waves. This time he played in the sand, splashed in the water, and collected hermit crabs. The next day he wanted to swim in the pool so that is what we did :) He was a little more timid when it came to the pool and it was short lived as it got really windy and sort of chilly!  

Overall, we had a great time. Wesley enjoyed the beach and he is now not afraid of the car. Just in time to start our appointments and therapy back up. This Friday he gets his hearing aids which should help tremendously!! Thank you for your continuing support :)