Friday, July 31, 2015

Update: July 31, 2015


We were informed today that they cannot find a local facility to take us for Wesley's weekly ERT infusions. They are still looking, but our nurse said that most kids come here every week, because our Children's Hospital is the best place to get the quality care needed. This delay hurts my momma heart. I don't want to drive this long road forever. I'm very tired. We are overly busy as it is with therapy and his other appointments. Infusions closer to home were great news. That's been put on hold for we're not sure how long.

Wesley had an audiologist appointment this past Monday to try and see what we were doing wrong with his right hearing aid. It keep feeding back (screaming) no matter what I did to try and fix it. Turns out, it was malfunctioning so it got sent off to get fixed. We are blessed with a wonderful audiologist who truly cares about Wesley and listens to my concerns. 

Currently we are at infusion number 7. Wesley didn't want to take his medicine today. I had to hold him down and force it and that's truly awful. I hate doing that.  :( 
The numbing cream completely numbed his chest port today, although he was screaming from having to be held down, he didn't flinch at all when the needle went in. I've remembered to put it on the last two times as I keep the cream in my backpack all the time now just so I will have it.  Wesley is about to fall asleep. He is falling asleep with his "Moogie", my mom. I'm laying with Ava trying to get her to take a nap. She is so cranky today and since she is mobile now, she is getting harder to contain and keep happy as she wants to investigate everything by herself.
Infusion # 7



Thanks for reading. 

Please keep us in your prayers. 
Have a warriors heart, 
Wesley's Mom

Friday, July 24, 2015

Honesty-Journal Entry

Hi Warriors-
I will warn you. This isn't an update on Wesley. This is more a journal entry for myself. To get this awfulness off my chest. 


The shock of Wesley's diagnoses has warn off. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted from trying to keep my sh*t together. If you must know the reality of it all, I'm not keeping it together. I don't really even know what "it" is anymore or how "it" is supposed to be contained. Like some things, I have to groom and make myself socially acceptable to keep from scaring others. I have to keep myself from ugly crying to each person who asks me how I am doing. I want to break down. I want to cry and I do. I cry before I go to sleep most nights, if I even go to sleep as I have been, having strange bouts of insomnia that include half sleep and waking up startled.
 I want to cry as I watch my son eat cereal for breakfast with this beautiful innocence he has. I want to cry as I scrounge up some energy to actually even feed myself something other than coffee. I dig a little deeper when I have an hour and a half of sleep before forcing myself out of bed to start the day and making sure we have everything to have an easier, successful drive and ERT infusion and back again. Like I did just this morning. 

How are things supposed to be the new normal when the new involves things that are hard to accept? How is that supposed to work again? This disease is stupid. This disease has hurt my momma heart more than anything I've ever been through and for anyone who knows me personally knows that has been a lot. I love my son more than anything that's ever walked this green earth besides Jesus himself. 
I know that MPS is part of why he is the amazing person he is and I wouldn't change that. Just the living part. The growing up part. The regressing part. The part where they lose the ability to recognize people they love. Wesley is still a long time off from that hopefully, but that heartache is still there. It's some day. It's still some day. Tomorrow hopefully will be a better day than today was because my heart is tired. I have moments where I lose my hope and today's been one of them. No parent should ever have to live with knowledge like that, because the time just goes quicker and quicker; faster than before. Please just pray for me as I work through all of these emotions the best I can. 

Monday, July 20, 2015

Make-a-Wish Update

Hello,
It's Wesley's Mom. I know it has been awhile since I have last written. I am so, so tired.

Make-A-Wish came to our house. I am so thankful that foundations like this exist. I was thankful before, but now they are giving my child an opportunity to do something we could never do by ourselves. There's also a great sadness that came with the volunteer's visit. As I have mentioned before, a lot of the time, when we are in what is our 'new ' normal routine of life (therapies twice a week, weekly 4 hour drives to the ERT infusions, other doctor appointments, etc.), I forget Wesley's prognosis and it seems surreal. Almost.

That day I was reminded why Make-A-Wish existed, to grant wishes for dying children. As a Mom, that is a hard thing to remember, that this is the life of your sweet child. My baby, my beautiful, bright eyed, sweet natured little boy. It is heart shattering. It's bitter sweet. I know I promised to post Wesley's wishes right after, but the truth is, after it was done, it felt private. I had to take it all in. I had to stop and breathe and take some time to tell the people who were close to us and share my feelings with my closest friends first. I had to cry a lot and stomp my feet a little because this is really happening. Wesley has MPS 2 (Hunter Syndrome) which these days sometimes still comes as a shock and now all the wonderful things that Make-A-Wish offers to him makes it more real. It's exciting. It's sad. It breaks my heart. It makes me happy. I feel crazy sometimes with all these emotions that these circumstances make me feel. 
Thank you for allowing me time to keep these things to myself for awhile until I was ready to share them with all of you. 



Now for the moment you all have been waiting for... 

For Wesley's Wishes he chose three things; 
1.) Disney World 
2.) Thomas the Train ride
3.) bigger fish tank for our house 


They will let us know.  :)
Thank you all so much for your continuous support, love, and especially prayers. 

Have a warriors heart, 
Wesley's Mom 

Thursday, July 2, 2015

The Ugly Question

There's one question that makes me cringe. It makes me want to hide. It pulls on my heart strings more than any other question I've ever been asked. Yesterday, the Make A Wish Foundation volunteers came to our house. (For those new to the blog, Wesley qualifies for a 'Wish' because the prognosis for the severe form of Hunter Syndrome is a shorter life expectancy, not past the first decade for many with this diagnosis.)
So, over the gifts, the paper work, and their list of questions, this one came up. The ugly question. The question that makes me sob in the dark when everyone is asleep.

"What does Wesley want to be when he grows up?" 

I answered, he doesn't understand that he grows up. He doesn't know that's what happens eventually. On the outside, I looked calm and collected, but on the inside I wanted to cry. How could you? How could you ask such a question? The whole reason we get an opportunity like this to begin with is because Wesley, more than likely, won't get the chance to grow up. 


After some thought on why they ask that question to terminally ill children and their parents...
Children dream. They imagine. And I'm sure some of them don't even know what's happening. Wesley doesn't. Wesley doesn't know his life expectancy. And we won't ever tell him. He doesn't know that this disease will slowly shut his organs down to the point they will eventually fail. And we won't tell him. He won't ever know that some day, unless they find a cure or God miraculously heals him, he may lose his ability to walk. We won't ever tell him.  He believes in himself. We believe in him too. We will comfort him and help him get through these days. We are and forever will be, Wesley's greatest fans. 

I just hope one day it doesn't hurt so much. I hope it's no longer the ugly question. I hope one day he can be asked that question but it will be different. I hope one day it's:
"What did you want to be when you were LITTLE?"  


We're so grateful for your support on this journey.
Keep praying Warriors!

~~~

Wesley had his 3rd infusion Monday, the 29th. We are starting to notice a difference in his energy levels! And he also needs to be molded for NEW ankle/feet braces. The width & height of his feet have changed as the ERT (enzyme replacement therapy) is helping rid Wesley of all that nasty gunk (the build up of the specific MucoPolySaccharides, also known as GlycosAminoGlycans-GAG).
We are so happy about this news!!! 

Wesley & his Daddy passing the infusion time (4 hours) with a movie!

Have a Warriors Heart, 
Wesley's Mom 

To learn more about Hunter Syndrome & current research, please check out this short video:
http://projectalive.org/


Sunday, June 14, 2015

I Saw You

I saw you as we were walking back from the courtyard play area to our small hospital room. You were sitting on the floor with your phone up to your ear. Your cheeks were wet with tears and your eyes red and swollen. Your glasses were sitting on the floor beside you. Your hair was messy. You were exhausted and probably hungry. When I looked at you, I saw myself: A mom whose baby is fighting for its life, as mine fights for his every day.

I know those feelings well. Heartbreak. Fear. Helplessness. Loneliness. Tiredness. Extreme exhaustion. Hungry. Thirsty. Wanting sleep but not being able too. Constantly on the verge of falling apart. The tears always being right there, reserved until the quiet or hearing news that isn't what we hoped for. Feeling like you never do enough.

You didn't see me earlier, but at 7:25 the previous morning, my baby was being wheeled into surgery to have his port placed and his hernia repaired. You didn't see me fall apart as soon as those doors were closed. You didn't see me cover my face with my hands and turn towards the wall in an attempt to hide my tears, because I just couldn't take it anymore. Where the surreal meets real. Where the preserved feelings turn to raw stomach wrenching emotions and freshly poured tears.

You didn't see me earlier talking to a nurse, through my tears, about hating my sons disease, sputtering that life isn't fair. Wishing to myself that I could keep it all together. Wishing I wasn't so helpless and that I didn't even have to be here. Wishing this life was only something I saw scrolling through Facebook, because then it would be okay, it wasn't my life. Then kicking myself for being so selfish.

You didn't see me cry as the nurse handed my baby to me in recovery and began rocking him as the nurse told me about the heart complications he experienced while waking up from anesthesia. You didn't see me pet his head and thank God they had medicine to help bring his heart rate down from 269 beats per minute. You didn't see me cry while laying on the bed with my baby as they transferred him to his hospital room, thankful that he wouldn't let me go.

I don't know what is going on with your baby, but I know your love for them. I saw it while you were there, crying on the white tile floor explaining the news or how you were doing to the person on the other end. Since I saw you, I've thought of you often, along with all the other Mom's who right now are sitting on the hospital floor, leaning against the wall, or holding their sweet baby at this moment while tears stream down their faces because things are out of their control.

I wish I could have waited for you to get off the phone. To tell you that you are a good mom. That you are doing enough. That what your baby is going through isn't your fault. That it is awful and horrible and unfair. To ask if you needed anything. To remind you to eat something. And especially to remind you that every hug, every hand hold, kiss, snuggle, and "I love you" you give your child is helping. That you aren't forgotten. And most importantly that you are not alone.

Just like I saw you, God sees you. He is there to hold your hand whenever you need it. He loves you and your sweet baby. Just like he loves me and mine.

Love,
Wesley's Mom

Friday, June 12, 2015

The Blur

This week has been a total blur. Starting last Friday the 5th, when Wesley got his hearing aids. When he first got them, it took four lollipop suckers to bribe him to keep them in his ears. Four. And he decided to put all of them in his mouth at once. On the way home in the car, Wesley started talking, babbling, making noises, clapping his hands, and he found a duck that squeezed. He loved hearing himself. After we arrived home, I noticed they were constantly falling off his ears because the tubes looked too short and decided we needed to go back. Thankfully, Wesley's audiologist is AMAZING and squeezed us in on Monday morning before therapy! Now, since the newness has worn off, he pulls them out as soon as we start driving. Hopefully, THAT will wear off soon!

We left for the Children's Hospital early Wednesday afternoon. The trip down went well and after a horrible hotel experience, we finally were settled in a NEW, CLEAN, DIFFERENT hotel and ready for bed. We woke up at 3am Thursday morning and left for the hospital at 4:45. We arrived at 5am and were promptly checked in. 

After we were triaged, Wesley's stress levels were increasing and he started crying, causing him to need a breathing (nebulizer) treatment before taking him back to the operating room at 7:20. They placed the port in his chest for the enzyme therapy and fixed his umbilical hernia. The surgery was completed within the one hour time-frame the surgeon gave. The surgeon called and said surgery was complete and Wesley would be heading to recovery very soon. While we were waiting, the main anesthesiologist nurse, who was educated in MPS children, came out and advised me to not have any of Wesley's surgical procedures done anywhere but a Children's Hospital. The reason being that Wesley's airway has already started to thicken due to the MPS and it was very difficult to intubate him. She said it took a lot of pressure to place the tube and if someone wasn't trained well regarding children with issues like Wesley's, they could easily kill him. 

After she was done advising us, a cardiologist arrived who moved us to talk privately in a consult room. There he explained that when Wesley was trying to wake up from anesthesia his heart had an episode of Supraventricular Tachycardia, also called SVT for short. His heart rate shot up to 269 in a matter of seconds and required a medication called Adenocine to be administered immediately. It took 10 minutes for the medicine to get his heart back to a normal rate. 

They aren't sure what caused this episode but are suspecting a combination of anesthesia, his thickened heart valves, and stress on his little body from surgery creating a 'perfect storm'. The cardiologist said he wanted to delay Wesley's transfusion of Elaprase until the next day so they could monitor his heart to see if it happened again. He also mentioned that from now on when Wesley as surgeries, I have to mention the episode of SVT so they can have medicine ready to treat him if needed.

I was finally called back to recovery after an hour and a half. I found Wesley being held by a nurse named John, who was rocking him in a rocking chair. It's the first time I've seen him in recovery NOT crying. Wesley was sleeping peacefully in John's lap with his arms wrapped around John. I wish I could have gotten a picture, it was a very sweet moment. From that moment I knew John was a nurse at heart, because he genuinely cared for the children not just for the science behind nursing. He sweetly handed Wesley to me as I took his place in the rocking chair as he started explaining what had just happened there in recovery. I couldn't help but have tears rolling down my cheeks. My sweet little boy. How brave he is. 

We were admitted to a room in the IMU which is Intermediate Care Unit; it is a step below the ICU. It's still one-on-one nursing, but the patients are more stable yet still require constant monitoring. Normally we would have just had a private room after this kind of surgery and for Wesley's first infusion, but the SVT episode elevated his status. The rest of the day was long and a even longer night as Wesley didn't really understand why he couldn't get up and out of bed with all those wires attached to his little body. He tried to do normal things and was frustrated when he couldn't or wasn't allowed to do them. 

Wesley's heart rate monitor alarmed every few minutes as his heart would not stabilize. It didn't go past 200 again, but it would make drastic leaps from the high 50's to 170's easily. He just wanted to be held and yet he fought sleep like crazy. Wesley finally drifted into a good sleep around 1:30am after I requested the nurse give him some melatonin. I was glad we were able to get it administered. We've started using melatonin at home with Wesley as it is recommended for the restlessness kids with MPS have at night and it really does help! 

Wesley awoke at 5am so I climbed into bed with him and he quickly fell back asleep. At 6am he was awakened for Benadryl and Tylenol as a pre-med to his Elaprase infusion. He took them and drifted back to a deep sleep. Wesley slept the whole way through the infusion. He did exceptionally well, his vitals didn't change at all and he showed no signs of reaction. It took 4 hours to complete. 

After that, we waited on more doctors to visit on their rounds and check on Wesley. Got another visit from the cardiologist and he wants us to pick up a holster heart monitor from them in a few weeks. Wesley will wear it for a couple of days. Those drastic leaps and lows his heart was making through that night might be because of that 'perfect storm', so he wants to know what Wesley's more normal heart rate is in the regular circumstances of our everyday life.


His first infusion down. 



Dr. Wesley is my favorite!!!! 

With infusion #1 completed, the cardiologist said we were free to go!!! I am so exhausted!! Goodnight everyone! I am so so glad to be home and able to sleep in my own bed tonight! 

Thanks for your prayers and support.

Have a warriors heart my friends. 

Always with LOVE, 
Wesley's Mom 


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Mail.


I had a horrible day. It hit me super hard today. Starting when Wesley began grabbing his knee and elbow joints and saying 'ow'. It broke my heart. At therapy today he was very clingy (more than usual) and ignored all three of his therapists the majority of the time, which is extremely out of character for him. Sigh. Then we got home and I got mail.


Our mail lady asked if I was expecting a package, I told her no. She said "maybe it's a surprise?". 
I said maybe. She looked at it again and said "I think it's for Wesley.".
She was right, in a way. It's from the pharmaceutical company in England. The only one that manufactures the Enzyme Replacement Therapy drug that helps Hunter boys.

I do pretty well, taking my thoughts captive and not letting them run too far in the future and get ahead of what's actually going on. But that wasn't today. Today I was scared. I'm scared of losing Wesley. What if I can't live without him? As a million other questions fill my mind. Today I hated the disease that plagues my sweet son. I hate it every day, but today has been the worst so far. 

I was washing dishes and thinking: Why my sweet boy? Why me? Why was I chosen? Why was he chosen? Then I looked out the window and saw this:


I know my answer.
NO ONE could ever love this boy as much me. I may not have a lot of answers, but I do know one...
I am so blessed to be his Momma and I am so so thankful I was chosen by God. That will never change.
No matter what happens.

Thank you for praying Warriors.

P.s. We still need help with the costs of driving back and forth to the Children's Hospital and Wesley desperately needs a fenced in yard as he has no sense of danger. Please follow us on Facebook and donate if you can :)